Parties and I aren't friends. We used to be, but alas through years of being overshadowed by sisters and friends they have become a disappointment. I shared everything as a child and birthday parties were no different. Rarely have I had attention fixed on me. Normally it has been distracted by the more talented and exciting siblings or the more alluring friends. I've spent a lot of time in the shadows; kept behind that person as they soaked up my spotlight.
Part of the reason I moved to Idaho was to get away from being in their shadow. I moved to a place that no one knew me or my family or friends. I have tried to not allow myself to drift back into that shadow. Although there has been times that I have felt the light slip away. I don't like feeling that way. I don't like having to give up everything like I had done at home. Always for everyone else. Baptism shared, parties shared, room shared, toys, clothes, food, money, time, energy...
It would make me feel like I wasn't important enough to recognize alone. Like I was just something to check off the list.
It wasn't always like that but when you have six kids in your family, you tend to get lost in the crowd.
Even now, at 23, I feel unrecognized and lost in the crowd. No big special acts of love.
Okay enough whining. Don't worry, I'm not slitting my wrists or suicidal. :)
